Communication & Boundaries
What Are You Going to Do About It? A Therapist's Guide to Handling Chronic Offloaders
We all know someone like this. You ask how they're doing — politely, as you do — and suddenly you're forty-five minutes deep into a conversation that was never really a conversation at all. Problem after problem, topic after topic. An unrelenting outpouring that leaves you oddly exhausted and strangely guilty for wanting it to stop.
Before we hand you a magic phrase and send you on your way, we need to do something more important first: look at the full picture. Dealing with chronic offloaders isn't simply a case of finding the right words to say. It requires self-awareness, empathy, and a degree of strategic thinking that most quick-fix advice completely ignores.
First, look in the mirror
There's a habit in certain corners of the internet — particularly among self-help content creators — of turning every difficult relationship dynamic into a diagnostic exercise. Is your boss a gaslighter? Is your friend a narcissist? These labels feel satisfying because they shift the problem entirely onto the other person. But they can become a convenient way of avoiding a harder question: what do my boundaries look like?
Ask yourself
Is this pattern of being overwhelmed by someone else's problems happening with one specific person, or does it seem to happen everywhere — with colleagues, family members, acquaintances you barely know?
If it's the latter, the work to be done may be closer to home than you'd like to admit. Setting boundaries is genuinely hard. Anyone who tells you to "just say no" has likely never sat with the anxiety that comes from doing exactly that. There is real fear involved — fear of conflict, fear of rejection, fear of being seen as cold or uncaring. Acknowledging that fear is the starting point, not a weakness.
Understanding why they can't stop
When someone endlessly offloads their problems without ever reaching a resolution, it isn't because they enjoy being difficult. It isn't even a personality flaw in any meaningful sense. It's a trauma response. Think of a healthy problem-solving journey as moving through five stages:
For someone stuck in chronic offloading, that journey short-circuits somewhere around stage three. They get to the point where they could consider solutions — and then something pulls them back to stage one. Over and over. The same loop, the same problems, the same conversations.
"Taking action carries its own emotional risk. What if it goes wrong? What if trying and failing is worse than not trying at all? That fear keeps people cycling back through the same narratives indefinitely."
This understanding doesn't mean you must become someone's permanent emotional receptacle. It does mean you can approach the situation with genuine compassion rather than quiet resentment — and that changes everything about how you respond.
Assess the relationship before you act
Not every relationship warrants the same level of investment. Before you deploy any strategy, it's worth being honest with yourself about where this person sits in your life.
A distant acquaintance
The calculus may be simple. Creating some distance is often the most sensible and self-protective path forward.
Someone close to you
The stakes are higher. Doing nothing lets resentment quietly accumulate. Thoughtful intervention here is an act of care for the relationship itself.
The technique we're about to share works best when you genuinely want to help the other person grow — not simply to make your own life more comfortable. That intention matters more than the words themselves.
The eight-word technique
After all that groundwork — and it is necessary groundwork — the technique itself is disarmingly simple. When someone is looping through the same problems without any apparent movement toward resolution, you ask them this:
The technique
"What are you going to do about it?"
You're not dismissing their problems or shutting down the conversation. You're asking a question that says: I believe you're capable of finding a solution here.
Delivery matters
If the words come out clipped and impatient — "So what are you going to do about it?" — they land as a rebuke. Wrap the question in warmth. Connect it to something you genuinely admire about the person. The question matters, but the emotional container you place it in matters just as much.
What happens next
There is no technique in human communication that produces a predictable outcome every time. People are too complex, too variable. When you ask the question, the person has two basic paths available to them:
✓ Path one — progress
They pause, engage with the question, and begin to generate their own solutions. They move — even tentatively — from problem-focus to possibility-focus. This happens more often than you'd expect.
↩ Path two — retreat
Some people will feel threatened by the question. Not because you've done anything wrong, but because moving toward a solution means taking responsibility — precisely what their trauma has helped them avoid.
Potential reactions to prepare for
None of these reactions make the technique wrong. They do, however, make thoughtful preparation essential. As a trauma therapist, I always recommend risk assessment first — think through what the range of responses might look like, and how you'd handle each of them, before you use this approach with someone important to you.
A technique is not a magic wand
This is a tool. A useful one, applied with the right spirit — but a tool nonetheless. It may need to be used more than once. With people who matter to you, it becomes less a one-time intervention and more a gentle habit: allowing space to offload, then consistently redirecting with that same question, with care and patience over time.
"Rescuing feels like kindness but ultimately communicates the opposite of what they need — that you don't believe they can manage on their own."
Asking "what are you going to do about it?" communicates something far more valuable. It says: I see you. I'm here with you. And I believe you can find your way through this. That, in the end, is what genuine support looks like.
Have you tried this technique? Did it open up a productive conversation — or trigger an unexpected response? Share your experience in the comments below. You never know whose situation your reflection might speak to.
Paul Ryder — Trauma therapist & communication specialist
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